$10 million, $100 million--it makes no difference.
No part of this monastery should be for sale.
I believe we are all in agreement.
Are we not?
Brother arrupe?
Yes, we are here to do the work of god,
Not speculate in real estate.
Brother le croix?
I believe, if we were to pose the question to our...
Beloved founder, the answer would be swift.
We could do a lot of good with the money
We would make if we sold this monastery.
However, abbot capilano,
I will support whatever decision you make.
The decision then is unanimous.
Meeting adjourned.
His heart filled with joy
At the prospect of keeping the monastery.
Brother capilano will climb to the roof
To send the news to the brotherhood.
Brother capilano
Has always marveled at the miracle of flight,
And as he watches his pigeon take flight,
He dreams of flying himself.
But he will be
Sadly deluded.
One more obstacle
Has been removed from my ascendancy
To abbot
Of the eternal brotherhood.
Did you get a load of this oracle of death?
Who's that? This monk--
He claims to be able to predict, uh, people's deaths.
That's ridiculous.
Not for people lying in the ground, it ain't.
No, no, he's already predicted a fire, um, uh,
An airplane crash, and the deaths of eight people.
Nobody can predict the future.
How can you predict that?
Yeah, how do you explain nostradamus, young lady?
Yeah.
Who? Nostra-dah-mus.
Nostra-day-mus, if you like, I don't care.
He's a french astrologer, 16th century.
He predicted events
That happened hundreds of years after he died.
A lot of people thought he was crazy.
He was a little...
But, uh, over the course of time, he was proven right.
Did he know that? Hmm?
I mean, was he able to predict that he would be proven right?
Mind games, all of it.
Tarot cards, astrology, fortune cookies.
People believe what they want to believe.
Well, then, explain the oracle of death, huh?
Go ahead, I dare you. Simple, it's a hoax.
A hoax with 100% accuracy?
You expect me to believe the hallucinations of some monk?
I don't expect you to believe anything.
Oh, my goodness, no.
That pen. What?
He's using a quill pen.
A pen?
Don't most monks use quill pens?
I mean, a... Ballpoint seems a little out of place.
Oh, how would you know?
All my monk friends use quill pens.
But not that particular pen.
I picked that one up in tierra del fuego.
It's made from a tail feather from a giant chilean condor.
They're the worst kind.
Lewis loved that.
Said he got a handsome price for it, too.
Pens, pens, pens, pens.
Pe-- ah, here we are.
Quill pen set in silver.
Number 46-295.
Sold to one rupert seldon.
But how did it get to brother currie?
Does it really matter?
I mean, at least we know where it is and we can get it back.
I'm afraid it may not be that simple.
I knew he was going to say that.
This eternal brotherhood,
Uh, monastery--
It's, uh, it's like a fortress in the center of the city.
And it's a cloistered order,
So there are no telephones and no visitors...
...No anything.
Yeah, no, it's completely incommunicado.
The visitor part-- now, that I can handle.
I-I can draw up an official letter of introduction
That'd fool the pope.
However, that'll only cover one of you.
Why's that?
Well, a brotherhood's a brotherhood;
It's not a sisterhood,
It's not even a personhood.
Are you trying to tell me in this day and age
They don't allow women in even to visit?
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Well, I guess that lets me out.
Someday, ryan--
I don't know when, I don't know how,
But someday I'm gonna...
Thank me for this, hmm.
That's not what I was going to say.
Well, hey, hey, you don't have to put on your robe just yet.
Yes, I do; I look terrible.
No, no, you don't.
You're the cutest boy I've ever seen
And the best built, too.
Keep your hands off me.
Oh, look at me.
It's nice to know this is the worst it gets.
That should
Just about do it.
Ah, it's good to have a few sheets
Of 14th century parchment lying around.
You never know when they're going to come in handy.
Now, from this point on,
You two are brothers matthew and simon.
You're transferring from a monastery
In the north of England in yorkshire--
Wuthering heights country.
No one informed us of your visit, brother.
The letter should be pretty self-explanatory.
Is, is there a problem?
No, no, not at all.
A-allow me to show you to your quarters.
Great.
Our serenity has been greatly reduced
By the events of recent days.
Abbot capilano fell to his death from the bell tower
Just yesterday... So we've heard.
Tragic accident.
We're still waiting to see who the new abbot will be.
You must be tired from your journey, brother simon.
Mm... Um,
I'm, I'm, I'm afraid brother simon has taken
A, um, vow of silence.
Ah, wonderful. We are
Extremely interested in brother currie.
Ah, who isn't?
Fascinated by his predictions.
Who isn't?
Um, did he predict the abbot's death?
I'm afraid so.
You know, we were hoping to get to meet him,
Possibly have an audience.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Brother currie is in seclusion.
Hmm.
Well, here we are.
I, I hope you find our accommodations adequate.
This will be just fine.
So... Where is brother simon's room?
As you can well imagine, space is cramped.
We didn't think you'd mind sharing.
No, no, we don't mind.
Um, just one more thing.
Where are the-- where's the, uh, lavatory?
Ah, yes, the communal bathroom and shower
Is j-just down the corridor.
Communal?
Yes.
Now, if there's anything else, please let me know.
Yes, I will.
Thank you.
Evening meditation's at 6:00.
Thanks... You've been very generous.
Generous? Generous? Shh.
One room?
What can I say?
They think you're one of the boys.
And if you think I'm taking a communal shower, you've got
Another "think" coming.
One can hope, can't one?
All right, all right.
We're not going to be here that long.
We're just going to find brother currie,
Grab the pen, zip out of here.
And what about the bathroom?
Can you hold it?
Well, it could have been worse. How?
There could have only been one bed.
Ah!
They were asking questions about brother currie.
I am saddened to see our own brethren fall prey to such
Morbid curiosity.
You're sure they aren't journalists?
It wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on them.
The last thing we want now is any more controversy.
After you.
Very interesting, brother simon, don't you agree?
Okay, let's find currie and his pen
And get the hell out of here.
Excuse me.
How do you plan on doing that?
He's cloistered in deep seclusion.
The man's got to eat, doesn't he?
¶ ¶
Whoa, check this out.
Ah, this is where they discovered
That heads will roll.
C'mon.
We've got work to do.
Brother currie, your tray's here.
Brother currie?
Can I talk to you for a second?
No, don't be afraid.
We're from the yorkshire monastery.
We want to talk to you about
Your pen.
No, no, the quill pen.
We know all about it.
oh!
I'm afraid brother currie
Won't be able to be of much help.
You see, like brother simon,
He too has taken a vow of silence.
Now, if you'll allow me
To escort you back to your quarters.
Sorry for the disturbance brother currie.
See you at morning meditation.
That's fine.
Once-once you've finished all of this,
I want you to move over to the vineyards.
All right?
As best you can.
We're going to have to figure out another way
To get to brother currie.
Or at least get in his room.
Brother, brother, brother, hey-hey, what's going on?
The oracle of death has made another pronouncement.
What is it this time?
The abbot is going to die today.
He's going to choke to death.
That's impossible.
You don't even have an abbot.
He died two days ago.
From the fall.
No, no.
This prediction isn't gonna fly.
Good point.
Perhaps then our concern has been misplaced.
Oh, brethren.
Uh, brethren!
Maybe when it's dark and the lights are out,
We'll sneak out.
Come in.
Go.
Good night, abbot arrupe.
Oh, my god.
He's dead.
What's the matter?
Arrupe had just been named abbot.
I would like to thank you for your efforts
In trying to save brother arrupe.
We did what we could.
Who are you,
Really? Exactly
Who we say we are.
I mean, I'm an american.
I went to europe and, um, joined the brotherhood there.
I met brother simon two years ago.
Then why is it you were found sneaking around,
Looking for brother currie the other evening?
Brother le croix, we just wanted to see him in person.
That will be quite impossible.
Brother currie is a troubled man.
His gift is his burden and his agony
And he'd just as soon be left alone with it.
That's why he's in seclusion!
In future,
You will keep your mind on your devotions.
How in the world did I get myself in this mess?
All I wanted was to get married
And settle down.
I didn't want the store.
I didn't want those antiques!
I didn't want any of this!
Micki, micki, micki. C'mon now.
Tell me this whole thing hasn't been a blast.
This whole thing hasn't been a blast.
Take your time.
Think it over.
Okay, you want to go back to leonard, be my guest.
Lloyd! Just remember
That if we don't get back those antiques,
Nobody else is gonna do it.
It's up to us, because
Nobody else is gonna do it!
Nobody's gonna believe us.
I mean it's not like we can go up to the cops and say
"excuse me, officer, but we got these antiques out here
We gotta get back 'cause they're cursed."
No, uh-uh, off to the funny farm we go.
Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes,
When I find myself locked in a cell
In a monastery pretending to be a boy
Tracking down a cursed quill pen... Shh, shh, shh!
...The funny farm sounds preferable!
Brother matthew,
I'd like you to meet brother jack.
He's a transfer just like you.
Oh, brother jack, where from?
Ah, the emerald isle, me boy-o,
Ireland itself.
I think that's a fine looking crop
Of burgundy grapes you've got there.
I predict you're gonna have a-a vintage year.
Not that we know an awful lot about it where I come from.
You know, we prefer something
That'll, ah, put a little more hair on your chest
And take the lightening out of your throat.
I'll leave you to it, brother jack.
Ah, thank you. Bless you, brother.
You're a darling man, darling man.
Where's brother simon?
Powdering his nose.
He-- ah.
Wha... What are you doing here?
I did a little research.
I got photos of the pen
From a collector I know in khartoum.
And? And I...
I figured you'll never be able to sneak it out
Unless they never missed it in the first place.
So, I made a duplicate.
An exact copy.
You may have noticed, I'm a very resourceful person.
Oh!
What? Are you afraid
Of a little teeny, teeny, bitsy spider?
Ryan! Stop that!
Shh... Shh, shh, shh.
Your vow of silence.
I also checked up on the original owner,
The first man who bought the pen,
Rupert seldon.
He disappeared for quite awhile with good reason.
He's wanted for the murder of his business partner.
Rupert!
Those brothers from yorkshire.
They know about the pen.
Do they?
Then we will have to write up
Another epitaph. No!
We must stop.
Too many innocent people have died already.
Don't disappoint me, frank.
We made a deal.
If it wasn't for me, you'd be behind bars right now.
This is better than jail?
Cooped up here day in, day out.
No one to talk to.
Knowing that every time
You write in that diary,
Someone else is going to die.
You can't keep torturing me like this.
I wouldn't call
Splitting a half million dollar advance
On the oracle's life story exactly torture.
I don't care about the money anymore!
But I care about the money.
I need you, frank,
To take credit for what I write.
I can't afford to be seen.
You're despicable.
We're both despicable.
But now that I'm abbot,
I can sell this place,
And we can pocket ten million bucks.
It's over, rupert.
I'm leaving.
You will do what I tell you to do.
Like always.
Like hell I will.
The oracle of death has made his last prediction.
Some of god's chosen ones are tormented creatures.
Such is the case with brother currie
Who will decide his only recourse is
To join the holy spirit
In a most gruesome way.
Oh.
That's one prediction I'll bet he didn't make.
Oh!
But he did.
Oh, tragic, isn't it?
I came as soon as I found this, but... Too late.
Brother currie lived a life of quiet desperation.
He just couldn't stand it any more.
Suicide note?
Of sorts.
Evidently, his gift
For predicting horrendous events was a cross too heavy to bear.
The oracle of death is no more.
Sleep with the angels, brother.
Poor currie.
I guess that means that's the end of it.
No.
We still have to find the pen.
I'm scared.
Oh, yeah?
You're scared?
I'm terrified.
God created creatures
Both great and small,
And sometimes small ones have the power
To triumph over larger ones.
Such will be the unfortunate fate
Of brothers matthew and simon
From yorkshire.
¶ ¶
Ryan?!
Don't move.
I don't intend to.
Don't even breathe.
It bit me!
Don't panic. Don't panic!
What's the matter with you two?
You could be heard all over the monastery.
Jack!
Ah.
What a cute little therasphosid.
Oh, relax.
He's not poisonous. It's only the south american
Tineid that can kill.
That's it.
I really can't take this anymore.
I got to get out of here.
No more elastic around the chest,
No more brown rice, no more dead bodies,
No more tarantulas.
I understand exactly how you feel, young lady,
But you must know
That retrieving these antiques is not going to be easy.
There'll always be an element of danger involved,
Which is why I'm here.
I had no idea of the depth of his despair.
But at least the oracle of death
Will be silent forevermore.
Don't be so hasty.
Brother currie left behind a number of predictions,
Which I have no doubt will unfold in the fullness of time.
Brother le croix, is something wrong? No.
Good morning, brothers.
Uh, I hope
Brother currie's death did not rob you of your sleep.
Fortunately not.
Were there any other... Interruptions?
Some of the other monks have been complaining
Of pests--
Rodents and the like?
Nothing the like of rodents.
I'm relieved to hear it.
I think brother le croix was just on a fishing expedition.
That tarantula was no accident.
You were supposed to die.
Well, not that I'm complaining, but how come we didn't?
'cause you're not who you are.
Want to run that by me again?
Well, you're not really brothers matthew and simon.
So, when the curse of death was put on you,
It wasn't really put on you.
It was put on brothers matthew and simon.
Uh, what shall we do about the reporters
At the front gate?
They've been waiting there since dawn
To hear a statement about brother currie's death.
Why don't you meet with them?
Me? But-but you're the new abbot.
You knew him best.
You should speak on his behalf.
And while you're about it,
Send a telegram to the home office in yorkshire.
What about?
Find out if they did indeed
Send two representatives to visit us.
And wait for the reply.
I have reason to believe
That brothers matthew and simon are not who they claim to be.
I think maybe we're barking up the wrong brother here.
Searching the wrong room. What are you saying?
Brother currie didn't kill himself.
There was no diary on his desk.
We would have seen it when we were looking for the pen.
Le croix.
Drake's been on our tail ever since we got here.
It's gonna be tough for us to search le croix's room.
For you, maybe.
Not for me.
What are you trying to hide here?
We need some answers...
Tell us the whole story.
Please!
What happened? Exactly what happened?
Please!
How did he die?
Is foul play suspected
In the death of the oracle?
We have a prepared statement.
"brother currie was a man loved
"by all here at the brotherhood.
His gift of predicting the future..."
Did he predict his own death?
"his gift became his torture,
"and to our
Everlasting sorrow, he chose to take his own life."
Isn't suicide considered a mortal sin?
"he chose to take his own life rather than suffer any longer.
"and our prayers go with him.
All our prayers go with him."
That's it? That's all? That's all
You're gonna tell us. Come on. We need more answers than this.
I'm not authorized to give you anything
But this prepared statement.
I'm sorry.
I can't answer your questions.
Why isn't le croix doing this?
If you had something to hide, you'd keep a low profile, too.
Please!
What happened? Exactly what happened?
¶ ¶
Listen, rupert seldon'ssignature
On this bill of sale matches the writing
In the diary exactly.
So, rupert seldon
And brother le croix are one in the same.
What about the pen?
I couldn't find it.
Somebody was coming.
But it's more than likely there, too.
I'll just have to go back and try again.
The best time to do it is during meditation.
Le croix is busy for an hour.
Oh, I can't wait to be a female again.
Micki, I can't stand guard out here forever, all right?
Will you hurry it up already? Come on.
Brother le croix, you were right.
The real brother matthew and brother simon
Never left the monastery.
Something else is very odd.
The real brothers matthew and simon were bitten
By a a poisonous tarantula last night and died.
There is another thing you should know
About brother simon.
He's a she.
I'll have them removed from the premises
Immediately. No.
I want you to act as if nothing has changed.
Sh-sh-should we at least question them?
God works in mysterious ways
His wonders to perform.
I would appreciate it
If you would start the meditation without me.
Certainly.
I hope jack's outta that office by now.
Brothers.
Ah, uh, abbot.
Didn't a little mouse come scuttling in here?
Now, we've got to get him.
Otherwise, he'll be nibbling away at your books
And papers.
I'm sure you wouldn't need a thing like
That for a little mouse.
But I have already set a trap.
I thought you were meditating.
But I am...
Premeditating.
I'm sorry we couldn't conclude our business upstairs,
brother.
But I'm terribly late for a meeting.
It wouldn't have anything to do with real estate,
Would it, seldon?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, we were right.
You have the pen.
Yes, I do.
But only you and your young friends know about it.
Oh!
How thoughtless of me not to leave you
A little... Light.
Where do you think you're going?
To look for the pen.
You go find jack.
Pssst.
You got the fake one?
Take care.
My principals were delighted
That your brotherhood agreed to,
Ah, reconsider their offer.
We are a humble order, mr. Green.
Why would we put ourselves
And the enjoyment of this place
Before the needs of the thousands
Who will be served by your luxury
Hotel/condominium complex.
If we should reach
An agreement on this, do you foresee any problems
With closing the deal?
None that can't be eliminated.
As you'll see,
We very generously agreed to pay out the brotherhood
Over a five year period, rather than ten,
And we'll pick up the closing costs.
And, as a special sweetener,
If the deal is clean,
I'd be willing to reduce my commission
To... Ten percent.
I'm sure you will.
Normally, the commission on a deal this size
Is three and a half percent.
Let's not play games, mr. Green.
Forget the graduated payout.
I want $15.2 million-- cash.
And a commission agreement
Of two and a half percent.
Take it or leave it.
Ugh.
I must say you drive a hard bargain,
Abbot le croix.
It has such a nice ring to it.
Now, I have some other serious business to attend to
That I've left off for far too long.
Uh, listen, uh...
¶ ¶
Jack... Can you hear me?
Jack!
Ryan?
Over here.
Over where?!
Over here.
Hang on, I'm on my way!
Hurry, ryan.
Hurry.
Th-there's not much time.
Ryan, please.
Ryan!
Hurry.
Ryan!
Jack, don't move.
Hurry, ryan.
Be careful, the thread.
Are you okay?
I guess I can't complain.
We've got to go after le croix.
He's gone for the pen.
oh, jack,
Thank god it's you.
Ryan, I found the pen!
Then I figured I'd go look for jack, and,
Then I just... You found the pen?
Yes, it was in le croix's room just as you thought.
I swapped it with the fake.
Micki, baby.
Oh, baby!
I can't wait to get outta here.
I wouldn't make travel plans just yet.
Thank you for informing me about the switch...
...Sister simon.
Or should I say...
Micki?
Hand it over.
I would have preserved your epitaphs
In a more dignified way,
But someone rudely stole
My diary.
Ah.
This will do nicely.
"the imposters
Came to the monastery
Posing as monks...
...To meet certain death."
I will be happy to change this
To include you as well, brother drake.
You're gonna burn in hell,
You traitor! Put that down.
..."they came
"to remove the sacred pen
"from its rightful owner,
"but tragedy will strike...
And this will not be accomplished."
Now, all I have to do is fill in your names.
You should never
Write what you've already signed.
Rupert
Seldon.
Your name on the original invoice,
Remember?
¶ ¶
Now...
Where were we?
It seems this pen isn't so foolproof
After all.
It's behind you.
Do you really expect me to fall for an old trick like that?
He should've stuck to pencils.
Imagine being able to wish for
Something to happen
And with the stroke of a pen, it does.
I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.
The pen can only make evil predictions come true.
Woo,
It's so good to be a girl again.
now all I want is some food.
If I never see brown rice again,
It'll be too soon.
Aren't you gonna put that in the vault?
Oh, that's not the real pen.
I'm just keeping this copy as a souvenir.
How do you know it's the right one?
A true artist always knows his own handiwork, my dear.
So, you're really sure.
Of course. I'm positive.
Only one way to find out.
Hmm.
Lunch.
Let's order something really sinful.